Thursday, May 22, 2008

Pity Party

I've been going through some rough days again.

These seem to coincide with hubby working split shifts lately. That can be good news because when he works them it's only a few days a week and today is the last day he'll have to do it this week. He says it's the last day period as next week they expect have the new cars in production. (He's the Major Model Trainer at a nearby car plant making the Ford Mustang and the Mazda 6. Zoom, zoom, zoom.)

The bad news is that I thrive on consistency. Things in my day pretty much need to follow a certain schedule or I get messed up and thrown out of whack. When hubby gets put on split shifts I'm going about my day like I would any other day and then the time comes for him to be walking in the door and I know he won't be yet for hours to come. And I get lost. What do I do now, I ask myself. Usually I cannot find an answer.

I used to base so much of "self" on my kids. Then recently I took off my rose colored glasses and came to an understanding regarding them. The truth is that they don't think of me in the same way as I think of them. The truth is that days may go by when they don't think of me at all. I'm not the "friend" that I'd hoped I could be. Now, that's ok with me. It really is. It just took a while for me to realize it.

That's partly a lie. It does bother me when I email them and don't get a reply. It does bother me when the only call I may get is for me to look something up online for them. It does bother me that not all of them called on Mother's Day. I try to rationalize that. My thinking can become quite convoluted at times and I can turn things around into thoughts of I must have failed at being a mother and I place the blame at my own feet.

What I did to compensate for the "loss" of my children was to put everything I have into my relationship with hubby. I put all my sense of self into his presence. His feedback. Intellectually I know that is wrong and unhealthy. No single person can (or should be) everything to another person. It's a tremendous burden for hubby to have to carry. He tries though.. he does try. (God bless him.)

I used to try to gain some sense of self from blogging. That didn't work, either. So I set off to find a real life. I posted about how I was going quit blogging so much. I even have a "disclaimer" under my header that explains it. I made a feeble attempt to break free from the computer. But what I turned to instead was Pogo Games and I made a return to playing World Of Warcraft.

The facts boil down to that I don't have any friends to have coffee with, go shopping with. I don't have any hobbies or interests that take me out of my apartment. This all becomes way too apparent when hubby works split shifts. I really see how empty my life is.

I've been in a deep depression the last couple days. I break out in tears regularly. I've even spiraled downward so low a few times that I thought about cutting myself. (Yeah, I'm one of THOSE people.) I've thought about taking too many pills. Sometimes things like that make sense to someone who is feeling so empty and alone. I haven't done either of those. Yesterday when I got close to taking pills, I made myself go to bed and sleep instead.

Hubby has said maybe I need to make an appointment. (Ya think???) I've spent roughly 25 years off and on under the care of a psychiatrist, on meds, and in counseling. I reminded hubby of this and added at no time during all THAT time, did my life change. They didn't find me friends. They didn't really change my life or lifestyle in any way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's not their job. I know it's up to me. So then I'm a failure? Again? Still?

There's a line from the Eagles song "Lyin' Eyes" that I always feel pertains to me... "Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things. You're still the same old girl you used to be."

The same old girl is the one nobody cared enough about to protect. The same old girl that nobody loved enough to keep safe from the Boogeyman or evil stepfather. (In my case they were the same person.) Here I am all these long, long years later.

Ain't it funny how my new life didn't change things.


The totally unrelated link for this post is--> progesterone.


Mom Knows Everything said...

Barb I want to say something meaningful and helpful, but I can't seem to find the right words. I just hopes it helps to know that you have a lot of friends out here in bloggyland and we are thinking of you and care about you. Misty cares about you, I care about you and I know so many others do. Big hugs, Tammy

madamspud169 said...

Hopefully the fact that you are liked and cared about by so many online will help you when you're feeling low but in many respects it usually isn't enough. I have no friends at all, not even online really and it does send you into an eternal depression. I guess in some ways I'm lucky in that I've never, ever had any friends not even as a child so I don't know any different.

Jen said...

Oh Barb, how I wished I lived closer. I'd take you shopping and hang out ANYTIME you wanted or needed! I want to say something thoughtful and clear, but the right words are not coming. Just know that although I am far away, I think of you often and wish for all the happiness in the world for you. You are one AMAZING woman and don't sell yourself short. You have accomplished much and continue to accomplish amazing things. This said, I know (from my own experience. . . but obviously am not you) that it's hard to shake these feelings of despair and utter failure. It's hard to say "I am worth it" and to be around for another day only to have the depression stronger come the next day. So, know that I am proud that you have battled this inner demon called depression thoughts of no self worth by continuing to face each day. My heart goes out to you and I truly thank your SWEET SWEET hubby for standing by your side and loving you for you! You deserve all the love the world has to offer! Thank you for putting your thoughts on this post and exposing yourself like this. I think it's therapeutic and helpful to not only you, but to people reading it who are in the same "type" of situation. ((((HUGS)))))

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Keep going. These things come in peaks and troughs. Life comes in peaks and troughs. In a while you're be a the top of the world again. But do see someone. Just someone to talk too, a counsellor rather than a pychiatrist maybe, can do you the world of good.

Carrie said...

Maybe.. you could try something like this.

If you have a good day and feel up to it, that is. Find a group of people that share an interest of yours that is NOT online, and go for it. Every change has to start somewhere.

Susan Demeter said...

I too wish I could say something that I would know could help or be meaningful, but I just can't think of anything beyond echoing what Tammy says above A LOT of us really like and respect you out here in blogging land, and we hope & pray things get better for you soonly! ((((hugs))))

Heather said...

i too have problems getting out of my house, i am lucky i do have some friends, they are very busy with their own lives as well tho... What i would suggest is looking for a class, at a local community college, a community education group, etc... and see if there is something interesting, a meetup group of something you like to do, even see if there is a local group on WOW. i know some of the people i play with meet for coffee once a month. There are people out there that care.... me too bad i am in idaho!

Anonymous said...

Ups and downs. Life takes me by surprise too how quickly we can go from the up to the down. I try to remind myself.......this too shall pass. tomorrow is a new day.....and wait for that day.

Misty DawnS said...

All I can say is I luv you and I will always treasure our friendship and try to 'be there' as much as I can.

Unknown said...

Barb I wish we lived closer, I really do....because I need many of the same things you voice here. And we could be that for each other.
Would you consider emailing me, when those deep times hit. I'd even give you my phone number.
I know the deep hurt, and the not feeling worthy. I've been there go there often myself.

Berni said...

So sorry you are experiencing this. I don't have any words to say just thinking of you.

Hey it's Amy Benson said...

Hey Barb~ I just want you to know you can email me anytime! I check about 3 times a day. I will email you back. My mom passed away 3 1/2 yrs ago. I still miss her. I know my life will never be the same, and it's hard sometimes... I miss talking to her. I am one of those people who doesn't like too much change, unless of course, it was my descision! So I understand what you're going through...
I hope you are having a good week! (HUGS)

bundle-o-contradictions said...

I understand. Only fairly recently did I find that I am me. Not just Poor Hubby's wife or the supposed-to-be mom to Little T & Little A, or someone's daughter (when it was convenient), just me. Even if you don't physically do much, you do a lot. You're a very important person to a lot of people. (Raising my hand!) I'll often think, "Who'll give a damn if I'm gone...besides Poor Hubby?" The answer in my mind always comes up empty. Poor Hubby thinks otherwise, in fact named off a bunch of people recently. (It was my birthday & my dad hadn't called or e-mailed. I was feeling sorry for myself.) Even if you, or I, don't realize it, we've touched people. You're not alone in many of your recent thoughts. I struggle with much of it daily. I'm here for ya, if you need me. ((hugs))