I've been going through some rough days again.
These seem to coincide with hubby working split shifts lately. That can be good news because when he works them it's only a few days a week and today is the last day he'll have to do it this week. He says it's the last day period as next week they expect have the new cars in production. (He's the Major Model Trainer at a nearby car plant making the Ford Mustang and the Mazda 6. Zoom, zoom, zoom.)
The bad news is that I thrive on consistency. Things in my day pretty much need to follow a certain schedule or I get messed up and thrown out of whack. When hubby gets put on split shifts I'm going about my day like I would any other day and then the time comes for him to be walking in the door and I know he won't be yet for hours to come. And I get lost. What do I do now, I ask myself. Usually I cannot find an answer.
I used to base so much of "self" on my kids. Then recently I took off my rose colored glasses and came to an understanding regarding them. The truth is that they don't think of me in the same way as I think of them. The truth is that days may go by when they don't think of me at all. I'm not the "friend" that I'd hoped I could be. Now, that's ok with me. It really is. It just took a while for me to realize it.
That's partly a lie. It does bother me when I email them and don't get a reply. It does bother me when the only call I may get is for me to look something up online for them. It does bother me that not all of them called on Mother's Day. I try to rationalize that. My thinking can become quite convoluted at times and I can turn things around into thoughts of I must have failed at being a mother and I place the blame at my own feet.
What I did to compensate for the "loss" of my children was to put everything I have into my relationship with hubby. I put all my sense of self into his presence. His feedback. Intellectually I know that is wrong and unhealthy. No single person can (or should be) everything to another person. It's a tremendous burden for hubby to have to carry. He tries though.. he does try. (God bless him.)
I used to try to gain some sense of self from blogging. That didn't work, either. So I set off to find a real life. I posted about how I was going quit blogging so much. I even have a "disclaimer" under my header that explains it. I made a feeble attempt to break free from the computer. But what I turned to instead was Pogo Games and I made a return to playing World Of Warcraft.
The facts boil down to that I don't have any friends to have coffee with, go shopping with. I don't have any hobbies or interests that take me out of my apartment. This all becomes way too apparent when hubby works split shifts. I really see how empty my life is.
I've been in a deep depression the last couple days. I break out in tears regularly. I've even spiraled downward so low a few times that I thought about cutting myself. (Yeah, I'm one of THOSE people.) I've thought about taking too many pills. Sometimes things like that make sense to someone who is feeling so empty and alone. I haven't done either of those. Yesterday when I got close to taking pills, I made myself go to bed and sleep instead.
Hubby has said maybe I need to make an appointment. (Ya think???) I've spent roughly 25 years off and on under the care of a psychiatrist, on meds, and in counseling. I reminded hubby of this and added at no time during all THAT time, did my life change. They didn't find me friends. They didn't really change my life or lifestyle in any way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's not their job. I know it's up to me. So then I'm a failure? Again? Still?
There's a line from the Eagles song "Lyin' Eyes" that I always feel pertains to me... "Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things. You're still the same old girl you used to be."
The same old girl is the one nobody cared enough about to protect. The same old girl that nobody loved enough to keep safe from the Boogeyman or evil stepfather. (In my case they were the same person.) Here I am all these long, long years later.
Ain't it funny how my new life didn't change things.
The totally unrelated link for this post is--> progesterone.