Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Waiting For The Other Shoe

I've been feeling like that old saying.. "waiting for the other shoe to drop." This is SO hard for me to write and I've already almost chosen NOT to write it. We'll see if I can finish and actually hit the publish button.

Something has taken control of my brain, my thoughts, my emotions. I have no control over them anymore. I've been slipping for a long time despite my attempts to ignore it. I can't ignore it any longer.

I need psychiatric help. Soon.

This past week especially has been a roller coaster as my state of mind has quickly deteriorated. It takes all I have just to stay flat lined emotionally. Lately that hasn't been enough and I swing back and forth between hour long jags of extreme sadness and crying.. to bouts with uncontrollable anger.. to very real thoughts of self harm and even suicide.

These swings can come and go back to back with almost no transition between them.

Last night hubby told me to put on my shoes, that he was taking me to the hospital. I refused. I can see how that may be in my near future but I will not spend Christmas in a psychiatric hospital. I will not. I will try to hang on long enough to try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist after the holidays.

I've always said I can tell the difference between normal hormonal mood swings, etc. and serious mental health issues with myself. I'm not blind. I KNOW this is not good, what I've entered into.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Please.

Note: I called my doctor at home and he is phoning in a couple things that will hopefully tide me over.


ShannonW said...

Barb you are always in my prayers! I do understand some of what you are going though since I experience most of it myself. The best thing is that you KNOW you need help and I hope you do go get that help. ((((hugs))))

I hope that writing this has also helped in some ways. I am here if you would like to vent!!

The Curmudgeon said...

You are in them.

Get whatever help you need for your own sake and your family's.

Misty DawnS said...

You and Mike are always in my prayers - but now I will say extra prayers for you. (((HUGS)))

Forgetfulone said...

You're in my thoughts. I've been slipping to a dark place, too, and I don't understand it. I think mine is hormonal, and I need to talk to the doctor about it. Maybe this post will be the spark I need to call and make an appointment. I hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

Please take care of yourself. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts over the holiday.

Jan said...

Please take care of yourself, Barb. We all love you too much and want you to be healthy and happy!
Merry Christmas, sweet lady!!

Jeni said...

Yep, been there, felt that way too and I can agree with you completely on what a crappy feeling it is too! And yes, like you, I can tell the difference in my actions and interactions with family/friends, etc., when I am beginning to slide.
Hope the doctor gets you some meds that help and that you get yourself on track with whatever is required there. Prayers yes, indeedy, my friend. Don't even have to ask, just know they are there.
Take care -in all respects -please!