Friday, January 30, 2009

Aftershocks

Hubby has been wonderful about going out shopping for me while I've been housebound with my weenie problems agoraphobia. There have been little odds and ends that I haven't put on the lists I make for him. Things I knew it would be best for me to shop for.

The last time I tried to go shopping I only made it as far as the sidewalk before tucking my tail and rushing back into the safety of my home. Yesterday I decided to try again.

It was cold and snowing. I don't like winter driving. This was a possible excuse to stay home. I sucked it up, put on my coat and went out to start my car to warm it up. I brushed all the snow off it, locked the doors (remembering to take the clicky door opener thingy with me) and went back inside for a couple minutes.

After thinking of, and discarding, about a thousand other excuses to stay home, I went back out and got in my car. Put it into reverse. It got snagged up on the huge pile of snow behind it. I tried "rocking" it back and forth but its tires just spun. I got teary eyed and frustrated and was about to just turn the car off and give up when a neighbor came out and helped push while I was in reverse.. and I made it over the snow. A wave of thanks and I was off.

First place on my agenda was the pet supplies store. It's only about a block and a half away. No big deal, right? Wrong. When I went back out to get in my car, I turned on the wipers to finish clearing off the windshield. My brain went dead and I could not remember how to turn them off. Seriously. I tried everything I could think of, but the thing that happened most from my attempts was wasting a lot of the squisher fluid. (That's what I call the stuff that squirts out to wash the windshield.)

This just made me feel really stupid. And the frustration continued.

Me and my wipers made it the block and a half. I wandered around the pet store without too much going wrong. I grabbed what I needed then stopped to visit with the cats from the Humane Society that are there in glass cages.

I always want to adopt them all and bring them home. There was a gray tiger kitty there, maybe a year old, that was lonely and when I put my hand against the glass, she rubbed her head on her side of the glass. My heart melted. I wondered what hubby would say IF..?

I knew what he would say, so I paid for my things and left.

Me and my wipers drove to Walmart. (Sorry to my son and DIL who work for another big box store, but Walmart is closer and I wanted to get this being OUT thing done.)

I had quite a few things I needed from there. Shampoo, but I wanted a new, different brand and that's why it couldn't go on a list for hubby. Birthday gifts for my granddaughter whose birthday was January 13. (Sigh.. so late.) I wanted to look through the craft things to see what was available to use for scrapbooking cards. (I still haven't made any worth sending out.) New slippers for me. Cheap lingerie. Just to name a few.

I think I was there close to two hours. Trying on slippers, wandering the toy and little girl clothing aisles over and over, etc. I didn't find slippers I liked, but I did find things for the granddaughter. No it wasn't a Barbie Tanner doll with dog poop.

I lead a pretty sedentary life. OK, I lead a VERY sedentary life. I basically sit on my ass all day. Two hours of walking combined with the stress of being OUT was wearing on me. My body was aching and my head was spinning. I wanted to go home in the worse way. The thought of checking out, loading the stuff in my car and driving home was almost more than I could handle.

I got my cell phone to call hubby. I wanted to see if he could meet me at the front doors of the store and walk me to my car. Don't ask why I knew that would help. I can't explain it.

My cell phone was dead. CRAP!

(Are you bored, yet?)

(How about now?)

I pay for the merchandise, suck it up again, and walk out to my car. Then God intervened. I was in my car and once again fighting back tears and watching the wipers, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? My hubby! Hallelujah! He was on his way home and had stopped to buy some squisher fluid for his car.

I honked my horn to get his attention.

After turning off the wipers for me, he said he could get the fluid another day and said he would follow me home. To make a long story short, although I think at this point it's impossible, I made it home.

You would think I would feel a sense of pride at being able to go out. Nope.

There are AFTERSHOCKS! Aftershocks are similar to what you feel after an adrenaline rush. Like how after a scary or potentially traumatic experience has ended and you are able to relax and then the enormity of it all hits you.

I broke out in full blown tears. I was shaking. I was unable to function properly or effectively the rest of the day. Zombie mode would be a good way to explain it.

It's still that way today. Not pride at what I accomplished. Not "woohoo I did it, I'm going out again today!"

Aftershocks.

But I still have my sense of humor..

8 comments:

Misty Dawn said...

Your sense of humor is one of the things I love most about you... along with many other things that make you 'you'.

Since I can't be there to help with the aftershocks, I'm here to tell you that I am proud of you! So, I'll be proud FOR you until you're ready to join me and be proud of yourself. (((HUGS))) You done good!

Tookie Tail said...

I love your sense of humor as well.It's one of the things that keeps me coming back for more. Not the only thing though! :) I'm so proud of you for your journey into Walmart, no less! That's frustrating on a good day. lol Hang in there, Barb. We all love you!

Tammy said...

Even if you aren't proud of yourself I am! Hugs!

bundleocontradictions said...

I felt similarly after I'd been holed up in my house during the summer when I was ill. I had the hardest time even leaving the house, but my biggest issues were being surrounded by strangers. Daily life took over all of those things, though. Now I just won't go out in social situations like when Poor Hubby goes to play pool. Nope, can't make me do it!
((((((((hugs)))))))) At least your white knight arrived!

Akelamalu said...

You SHOULD be proud of yourself Barb! xx

forgetfulone said...

No, I'm not bored at all reading this. It was a great post. And since you won't say it for yourself, I will say for you - Woo Hoo! That's so much progress, and such a huge accomplishment. I'm glad hubby was there for you.

Erika Jean said...

omg that picture is SO funny!!!

I hope it goes better for you next time!!

Carolina said...

My first visit to your blog and having read your shoppingstory, I will be back for more! Even I felt really proud for you. And you made me laugh out loud describing your going-out-ordeal. I so hope that you will overcome your fear and anxiety someday. As long as your sense of humour will stay with you! Well done! A big virtual hug from me too.
(Oh, and I love the little schnoodlepuppy, that's why I visited your blog in the first place.)