Not too long ago a wrote about not being able to go to Chuckie Cheese for my granddaughter's birthday party. As always, there's more to the story than that.
It's not just Chuckie's that I can't go to. It's um.. anywhere. I can barely step out the sliding glass doors when the dog needs to go out. I can't walk down the hall to check the mail. I DID try once to go to the store, but only made it as far as the sidewalk before I had to rush back into the "safety" of my apartment.
I have to tell you this sucks BIG time.
Before when I had full-blown agoraphobia (for five years!) it just kind of snuck up on me gradually, like it usually does with people. A panic attack would happen here or there and I would cross that place off my list of options. Eventually, I had had so many panic attacks in so many places, that I just could not go out at all.
Last time, I just accepted it better and lived with it the best I could.
This time.. ? It just hit me. BLAM! There it was again after over a year of me thinking it was gone. I had tasted the success of being able to walk out my front door any damn time I pleased. I could go to restaurants, movies, MALLS.
Now it's all gone. And I don't know why.
Unlike last time, I'm kicking myself. I KNOW what it's like to be able to go out. But I can't do it. I just can't. And I can't explain it to someone who has not been through it.
I hate that I'm in this unpleasant place again in my life. I'm almost frozen over it with over-thinking and worrying. I find myself being a lot more ineffective INSIDE right now, too. The laundry is backed up, most nights I can't cook dinner.. and I haven't vacuumed the lampshades in months. (Small joke there.)
There are some things I CAN still do. I can play Sims on the PS2. I can sorta, kinda blog. I can listen to music. I can read. I can sleep. Whoopty-Do.