Saturday, January 24, 2009

I'm Falling..

I'm falling and I can't get up.

Not too long ago a wrote about not being able to go to Chuckie Cheese for my granddaughter's birthday party. As always, there's more to the story than that.

It's not just Chuckie's that I can't go to. It's um.. anywhere. I can barely step out the sliding glass doors when the dog needs to go out. I can't walk down the hall to check the mail. I DID try once to go to the store, but only made it as far as the sidewalk before I had to rush back into the "safety" of my apartment.

I have to tell you this sucks BIG time.

Before when I had full-blown agoraphobia (for five years!) it just kind of snuck up on me gradually, like it usually does with people. A panic attack would happen here or there and I would cross that place off my list of options. Eventually, I had had so many panic attacks in so many places, that I just could not go out at all.

Last time, I just accepted it better and lived with it the best I could.

This time.. ? It just hit me. BLAM! There it was again after over a year of me thinking it was gone. I had tasted the success of being able to walk out my front door any damn time I pleased. I could go to restaurants, movies, MALLS.

Now it's all gone. And I don't know why.

Unlike last time, I'm kicking myself. I KNOW what it's like to be able to go out. But I can't do it. I just can't. And I can't explain it to someone who has not been through it.

I hate that I'm in this unpleasant place again in my life. I'm almost frozen over it with over-thinking and worrying. I find myself being a lot more ineffective INSIDE right now, too. The laundry is backed up, most nights I can't cook dinner.. and I haven't vacuumed the lampshades in months. (Small joke there.)

There are some things I CAN still do. I can play Sims on the PS2. I can sorta, kinda blog. I can listen to music. I can read. I can sleep. Whoopty-Do.

15 comments:

Jeni said...

Barb - Just hang in there, work on it as you are able and you'll pull yourself up out of this! You did it before, you know the good, the bad, the ugly, the pitfalls and when, where it gets a bit easier too so have faith and know you can do it again. I have faith in you that you have the perseverance to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over again and again, as many times as necessary.
Think of the little train -I think I can, I think I can, I know I can. Plus you've got everyone in cyberspace pulling that train uphill right along with you too!
Peace.

masgblog said...

*hugs*

Akelamalu said...

I'm so sorry to read this Barb. I wish there was something I could do to help you honey. I can and will send you Reiki, hopefully it will make a difference. Have a huge ((HUG)) X

JenReg said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I used to kind of feel that way, but nothing like you describe.

I can't imagine what life would be like without going outside.

Just know that your blogger friends are here for you, and thank goodness for the internet where you can at least socialize indoors.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I hope you can overcome this again...

http://eightymphmom.blogspot.com

silverneurotic said...

Now, I'm not a professional-so don't take this as gospel but perhaps one of the problems is that because you have so much to do at home that keeps you busy and entertained...you don't have enough of a push to over come the panic and leave the house.

Misty Dawn said...

I know something else you do - you make me laugh out loud by telling me about Gina's adventures and absolutely make my day :-D

Vicki said...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this again. But you know you beat this and you can again. Just think back to how you overcame it before and draw your strength from there. I'll be praying for you!!

Shannon H. said...

(((hugs)) Hang in there lady!

peppylady said...

Never been to Chuckie Cheese.

Coffee is on.

Tookie Tail said...

(((Barbara))) We're always here for you!!

Robyn Jones said...

((((HUGS)))) Having gone through some of this before...i sympathise fully with you..You are a strong person though, and you overcame it once..I believe you can do it again....

Hang in there....

Lapa37 said...

Sorry to hear you are going through something so difficult.Maybe you could do whatever it was the got you out of it before.Just take it one day, hour minute at a time whatever it is that makes it easier for you to make it through.Wishing you all the best in getting back to where you need to be.

bundleocontradictions said...

I really wish I had something encouraging to say. How about...I don't blame you! People out there are scary!!!! ;-P
Okay, not trying to minimize. Just tryin' to give you a little smile. I have a feeling you'll push through it again. You proved you could do it before!

Tammy said...

It'll get better, just believe. Hugs!

Smalltown RN said...

Well you know I am rooting for you...hugz my friend...