What brings this about? I'd mentioned to a DIL I was considering going to Weight Watchers. She said her boss had an extra coupon that waives the registration fee. I asked her to send it to me. The expiration date on the coupon is quickly approaching and it sits here staring at me. Daring me to use it. Go ahead, it seems to say. Make my day.
I have always had weight issues. I used to use it as insulation from a painful life. I used to say it was proof I was different (less) than normal people. What a clever excuse to stay inside. To keep to myself. To keep piling on more and more weight.
I used to think there was a limit to how much I would weigh. I can look back at old pictures of myself in photo albums and at each year, and each picture of me, I remember thinking THIS is as fat as I'll ever be. Well, it never was.
I also remember thinking maybe I just had big bones. What gymnastic thinking that was. (Hey, at least something was exercising.)
I was taught early on that food equaled love. I'd tell my mom my (evil) stepdad had been in my room the night before and she'd throw a pizza in the oven or hand me a bag of Doritos. How long can I use that as an excuse? I know now that food does not equal love. Not from others and certainly not from myself.
Overeating with reckless abandon is slow suicide. Especially since in 2000 I was diagnosed with diabetes. That diagnosis scared me enough to pay attention to what I put in my mouth. (Hush, ya'll with dirty minds.) It only scared me for a while because soon I was back in the old mindset.
More weight piled on as I grazed my way through buffets. All you can eat places became cherished and impossible to avoid. Impossible? Maybe not. Hard to resist is more like it. Ordering pizza or stopping for McD or BK was so much easier and convenient than cooking a healthy meal.
Being this overweight makes me ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I can't fit in some seats in theaters. Ashamed I can't go to concerts for the same reason. Ashamed because I don't fit in amusement park rides. Ashamed to wear shorts or tank tops. Ashamed that I am usually the fattest person anyone knows.
Ashamed I don't know if I have enough desire to change. Enough motivation to change. Change takes work. Change is hard. Making excuses is easier. Being in denial is easier. Stuffing my face with comfort foods is easier.
Fear plays a big factor, too. How will my life change if I were to lose weight? It seems I tend to think of negative changes instead of beneficial ones.
And yet.. that coupon keeps staring at me. Doing its cheesy impression of Clint Eastwood.
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it
If I please.