Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Time To Change?

I'm thinking it's time to change. (Piggy bank.. change.. get it?) What do I think needs changing? Am I really only thinking about it? The answers are easy. My weight needs changing. Not going up like it's been going. Less. Much less. Thinking, but with more seriousness than I have in the last year or so.

What brings this about? I'd mentioned to a DIL I was considering going to Weight Watchers. She said her boss had an extra coupon that waives the registration fee. I asked her to send it to me. The expiration date on the coupon is quickly approaching and it sits here staring at me. Daring me to use it. Go ahead, it seems to say. Make my day.

I have always had weight issues. I used to use it as insulation from a painful life. I used to say it was proof I was different (less) than normal people. What a clever excuse to stay inside. To keep to myself. To keep piling on more and more weight.

I used to think there was a limit to how much I would weigh. I can look back at old pictures of myself in photo albums and at each year, and each picture of me, I remember thinking THIS is as fat as I'll ever be. Well, it never was.

I also remember thinking maybe I just had big bones. What gymnastic thinking that was. (Hey, at least something was exercising.)

I was taught early on that food equaled love. I'd tell my mom my (evil) stepdad had been in my room the night before and she'd throw a pizza in the oven or hand me a bag of Doritos. How long can I use that as an excuse? I know now that food does not equal love. Not from others and certainly not from myself.

Overeating with reckless abandon is slow suicide. Especially since in 2000 I was diagnosed with diabetes. That diagnosis scared me enough to pay attention to what I put in my mouth. (Hush, ya'll with dirty minds.) It only scared me for a while because soon I was back in the old mindset.

More weight piled on as I grazed my way through buffets. All you can eat places became cherished and impossible to avoid. Impossible? Maybe not. Hard to resist is more like it. Ordering pizza or stopping for McD or BK was so much easier and convenient than cooking a healthy meal.

Being this overweight makes me ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I can't fit in some seats in theaters. Ashamed I can't go to concerts for the same reason. Ashamed because I don't fit in amusement park rides. Ashamed to wear shorts or tank tops. Ashamed that I am usually the fattest person anyone knows.

Ashamed I don't know if I have enough desire to change. Enough motivation to change. Change takes work. Change is hard. Making excuses is easier. Being in denial is easier. Stuffing my face with comfort foods is easier.

Fear plays a big factor, too. How will my life change if I were to lose weight? It seems I tend to think of negative changes instead of beneficial ones.

And yet.. that coupon keeps staring at me. Doing its cheesy impression of Clint Eastwood.



Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
I can take or leave it
If I please.

8 comments:

Sara said...

I wonder why MASH chose this as their theme song.

Skittles said...

Sara: Maybe because going to war is looked at as suicide? For some. Maybe. Thx for the coupon. :)

Misty Dawn said...

Pssssst. When I told you that you looked great, I wasn't 'just saying that'... cuz I don't just say things.

However, this change you speak of does, in fact, have so many beneficial changes associated with it... your health being the one that means the most to me. I'll support you in any way I can.

Put down that Whopper... give it to the pig with instructions to bring it directly to me (hurry before it gets cold!).
What? You couldn't expect me to be serious through the ENTIRE rambling comment, could you?

Jeni said...

I've been trying to not stuff my face with junk foods, be more aware of balanced diet, etc. I haven't really been "dieting" per se, just kind of dancing around the issue there. But, I have lost a couple of pounds -not near enough but about 8 pounds which for me, is a start in the right direction. Now, to find some snack items to replace the nicotine and maybe I can kill two birds with one stone before the two birds join forces and kill me. Good luck if you decide to try WW's.

maggie said...

If you can look at joy bauer's book. It is a life diet. I have (and my family) completely enjoyed it. The food is what you have already. It is real life.

Check it out. I feel so much better now that I've shed some pounds.

Grace said...

Barbara, I think I've mentioned that I went through a change in my eating habits and thus a weight loss (of 70 lbs) over the past 1.5 years. I was at a point that I couldn't get that last pesky 10 lbs off... so I joined WW... that was the ticket. They helped me learn how to eat healthy (not to be feeling unsatisfied) and to finally get rid of that last 10 lbs. If you do it the healthy way it is a slow process, but an education and a healthy way to do it.

Be ready and you can DO IT. I know it. BTW... my biggest success has been to shy away from the carbs... but everyone is different.

However, I still find to this day that I still have emotional triggers that I have to keep in close check... or the pounds will pile back on.

Barbara? You can DO IT... I have faith.

Autumn said...

It's hard. Food's a big thing with me, but I find it easy enough to eat in a healthy manner. I just don't like to move. I know you move around a lot more than I. You actually take your doggie for walks!! How's this: I'll send eat-well vibes your way if you'll send me get-off-your-a** vibes! :)

Asara Dragoness said...

This may be in poor taste, but what the hell, here goes anyway.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change!