Sunday, October 04, 2009


The last few days for me have been awful. Worse than 'normal' awful. This blog post will be a journaling experience for me since I know this is one thing I'm supposed to do. It will have nothing to do with truck grills although that makes me think of Love Bug season in Florida and what a mess those squished bugs can make.

I am at the point where I almost cannot function. I've been bouncing from thing to thing thinking if I JUST find something to DO then I'll feel better. I've tried latch hook again, needlepoint, a jigsaw puzzle, a PS2 game. I have trouble understanding/comprehending directions for the projects I've attempted. I look at them and I draw a blank. Or I see that's it's too hard for me. These are things I had no trouble with in the past.

My anxiety level has been high since we started packing for the move, but all signs point to the fact that I am now in deep depression. I know somewhere there's a list of the top ten life stressors. Death of a spouse or child is one. Losing your job is one. There's two more I don't remember, then there's moving. So I guess taking someone who's already on shaky ground and having them move may not have been the best idea in hindsight.

That's not true. I know I'll work through this. Eventually. I'm beginning to think part of that time will be spent in a psychiatric hospital. The pull to admit myself to one is stronger and stronger. The thing that keeps me at home (so far) is that I'm not suicidal. I'm not even self-destructive right now. I'm just going nuckin' futz.

I cry at the drop of a hat for no reason whatsoever. Prolonged boo-hoo crying. And that is such a weird to do if you've never done it. Just be washing dishes or walking to a different room and then BAM! A sadness sweeps over you and you have to cry. A cry like you lost your best friend kind of cry. (I'm assuming that because I don't have any friends to begin with.)

Mr. Skittles is at a loss. I think he's a bit afraid as well. He's seen my downward spirals before and knows what it can be like. The nice thing is he knows this isn't something I'm choosing to do. He knows it's part of my mental health issues.

I thought I had a med review with my psychiatrist tomorrow but they usually call to remind me and I never got a call on Friday. The card with the appointment is who knows where. I think I should call the office in the morning to ask about it and maybe ask to be seen sooner if it's not close.

My anxiety and panic issues are somewhat easy to accommodate and work around. I can avoid the things that trigger them most of the time. There is nothing I can do or not do to make this depression better. It needs medication. A higher dose than what I'm on now or something new. I need to hang on until I get it.

Oh and I've said this before but it might bear repeating now.. My ability to articulate my problems has often been detrimental to me receiving proper (or at times, urgent) psychiatric help. Sometimes I wonder if you have to be a blubbering idiot to get noticed. I DO have in my favor the fact that I can also be quite persistent when requesting help. Descriptive and persistent are a nice team.

I'll keep taking my meds and see what tomorrow brings.


Grace said...

Sorry you are in depression. Even sorrier that you write that your analogy of crying like you like a best friend... is that you are assuming because you don't have any friends to begin with. Well, I'm sure you will look back on this someday and realize that you do have friends. But for now, I understand why you write that comment. You have friends... some of us are odder than normal friends... but who says friends have to be 'cookie-cutter' friends? Huh?

You've mentioned how you fear your ability to be articulate might be hampering your health... I wish that weren't true. But if it is... do you seen the same doctor all the time? And have been for quite some time? If yes, find someone new. If no, try to stay with same one so he can see and get to know you better. Perhaps more frequent visits are in order?

I wonder if phone calls or emails would help or hinder you when you are feeling the way you are now.... Would be nice to know.

Hugs my dear... and just to let you know... I've been off the net for a bit... 'cause my 'back to college' school work is kicking my behind... and when I pop in I find myself here for hours. So I don't come visit or blog or twitter much right now. BUT... I came to visit you today. Luv Ya!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I know the crying you speak of and havee often taken showers several times aday so no one would know I am blubbering uncontrollably. this time of year doesn't help either. keep talking and asking for thaqt help. feel sunny soon.

Berni said...

Sorry Barb to hear you are dealing with depression. Don't know what to say but will be thinking about you

Anonymous said...

I bet you are suffering from menopause.....I had a hysterectomy 30 years ago....back then men doctors did not know any better...I went thru anxiety was horrid till I found a lady dr who prescribed hormones....I refused Premarin but got on estradiol...a synthetic hormone....low dose.....OMG what an instant relief......just a suggestion....I no longer take anything as I am 70 now........

Carolina said...

Oh Barb, sob away as much as you like. Even a bit of James Brown-medicine doesn't work? I remember you wrote in the past that being in a psychiatric hospital doesn't actually help you. Do you feel it's a safe haven? Why else would you want to go there. Sorry you feel so bad. Wish I could do something to help you. And do we blogpals don't count as your friends?
Deep breaths dear Barb, big virtual hug ;-) Luctor et emergo!

Positive Pieces Prevail said...

I am here...reading..listening....offering...

Forgetfulone said...

Your description was me last week. It was rough. But I know yours is even more serious, and I feel so awful for you. I want you to feel better, my friend.