Yesterday I was as close to being "my old self" as I've been in quite a while. I'm certainly not BETTER better, but I can see that I may be. Eventually. I don't know if it's the meds kicking in or a lot of reflection and self-talk. Probably a little of it all.
I am still a long way from being able to function normally and I am ever so thankful that hubby is on a layoff from work and is home with me. I dread to think about next week when he returns to work for a week before having one more week of layoff after.
One day at a time is what "they" say, right? There have been times in my past when I've had to break that down into smaller increments of time.. like five minutes at a time. We all do what we can in our own ways.
I've been doing some thinking about how I can occupy myself during the days without sitting in front of my computer all day. OK, one does involve me sitting here and that is learning to use a greeting card program I bought last year. Hubby helped me get started with that last night and by the third or fourth attempt the graphics and sentiments actually went into the right spots of the card.
Of course if I adopt my mom's theory of sending cards I won't be sending out very many this year. Her theory is that if she doesn't get a thank you then nothing goes out the next year. By my calculations only one of my daughter's children "should" get a card this year. Maybe her dad too because I doubt the four year old knew my phone number. (Here I go being all honest and uncensored again. Gee golly gosh.)
Another thing I've thought about taking up is jewelry making. Earrings most likely. I see there's a huge sale at a nearby hobby store.. 50% off! That might be worth getting out of these jammies I've been wearing the last couple days.
Early this morning when I couldn't sleep I was watching an infomercial for a thing called Circut. (Google it. I'm too lazy to link it.) It's a thingy that you program to cut words and shapes for scrapbooking and many, MANY other things. It looked fun and interesting even though the videos we watched a while ago at their site were kind of boring and dumb. The $500 price tag was scary, too, but at least I was interested. Being interested in something, anything, is a good step in the right direction.
You know how businesses will sometimes put clever sayings on the signs out front? A long time ago I saw a saying on the sign in front of an auto repair business. It said, "If it is to be, it is up to me." That struck me so hard that I called them, asked to talk to the manager, and told him how I had really needed to read that. He thanked me for the call, but most likely thought I was a nutcase, which I probably was at that time. (And might still be.)
Yet, I remember that saying. Often when I most need it. I know pills can only do so much and for the rest, well.. it's up to me. I can sit for weeks or months wallowing in deep despair, or I can try to find constructive ways to work my way through what's going on and pull myself out of it.
One thing I've found though as the depression seems to be lifting is a lot of repressed anger and bitterness. This too is something that needs addressing. I won't even try to explain about the day I gave in and expressed it in a nonconstructive manner. Let's just say I was very vocal and annoying and bitchy and I'm surprised hubby is still here. I'm sure he'll never want to hear me singing ever again though because I sang (loudly) the song that never ends for about half an hour. While he was trying to go to sleep. (He's laughing about that now as I read him what I've written.)
So.. things are getting better. I'm afraid to jinx things so I won't suggest anything more than that. It took a lot of pain through my life to get me here. It will take a long time to completely overcome all of it. If indeed I should.
I don't need Mac memory because I have a PC. Just in case anyone wondered..