Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Song Remembers When

I often use music to help me work through my feelings and moods. I was able to do this today and it helped for a while. At least I was able to open up to hubby and let him in to a small degree.

I was playing Pogo Games, something I wasn't able to do yesterday. I'm still not ready to play WoW but that may come in time.

I have a little backtracking to do, so I'll do that before I continue..

The first time I ever admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital was around 1991-1992-ish when all my childhood abuse issues came flooding back. I was discharged after two weeks, which coincidentally was how long it took my ex's mental health insurance to run out. When I came home though I was afraid to do a lot of things I did before the hospitalization. I stopped drinking pop, I stopped wearing earrings, etc. It was as if I started doing those again it would magically trigger another breakdown and hospitalization.

Now that I've come very close to admitting myself once again I'm afraid to do some things.. like play WoW. I'm able to play Pogo, but I'm only comfortable playing one game. Over and over and over.

So.. like I said I was sitting here playing Pogo and I remembered a song from way back when me and hubby first got serious about our relationship. It was from a John Travolta made for TV movie called The Boy In The Plastic Bubble. (Still a good movie if you can find it.) Back then hubby was in the middle of divorcing his first wife. Not because of meeting me.. she had actually started having a relationship with someone SHE'D met online. She'd even had the guy over to their house for dinner. That's another story maybe for another day though..

It was a rough time. My kids weren't sure about me getting serious with someone a year after divorcing their dad. Hubby was torn up over what his wife had done plus all the legal wranglings and such. The Travolta movie rerun had recently been shown on TV and I knew right away that the song fit our circumstances.. and maybe a lot of other people have felt the same way once or twice in their lives, so I'll share it here.

Won't you take a minute to listen to it.. ?

I started crying when I listened to this earlier today. Not the crying like I've been doing though. It was more like catharsis crying, if that makes sense. In my attempts to block out all kinds of negative thoughts and feelings lately I've also blocked out good ones as well.

Sure I had to ask him to come hold me while I cried. (He's been walking on eggshells with me the last few days and probably was uncertain wtf he should do.) He came and he held me and I was able to allow myself to break through the wall I'd erected around myself. I was able to tell him amongst other things that it didn't matter to me that he couldn't "fix" me because he manages to love me even when I'm "broken."

If you're still praying for me, I ask you to please thank God bringing this man into my life.


Note a few hours later:

I just realized something. Have you noticed that every time lately when I said I needed a hug that I had to ASK Mike to hug me? Most of the time he doesn't even act like I exist. Except when dinner is late.

I swear most of the time I don't think he'd even miss me if I was gone. I don't think anyone would. My own kids don't want to hug me when I see them. Maybe it's because I'm covered in smoking smell... but shit.. how long does a hug have to last?

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. If anything is worth it.


bcmomtoo said...

Crying for you, praying for you, and thanking God he gave you Mike.


ShannonW said...

I too am in tears for you Barb. You ARE wanted! Sounds like your family just needs a little nudge.

Hootin Anni said...

Well, it's been my experience [and for me too since I'm not a physical contact kinda person] that our family is NOT a touchy lot. So, I can't really say why we don't hug...but I do hope you are feeling better, and real soon dear Barb----

I have just the thing for you. Today, on my Sunday blog, I have a special recognition for you---the Tuesday Blog for 2008 award!

Akelamalu said...

Well I don't care if you stink of smoke here have a huge ((HUG)) ((wink)) x

Mom Knows Everything said...

My prayers, thoughts and hugs my friend!

Misty DawnS said...

I'd hug you and then hug you again! As you said in the beginning of the post, Mike has been walking on eggshells... maybe that's why you have to ask for that hug. He loves you, and, yes, it's all worth it.

Anonymous said...

Again, I understand.

Forgetfulone said...

Sometimes I feel the same way. We both want to hear that it is worth it. We don't want our depression to completely take control of us. That's what happens sometimes.

Unknown said...

Hope you are well.I read some of your blog and just wanted to pass along this webpage to you. It is more than a webpage. It is a true story of a woman in England ( she has a chat room on paltalk )
On her website is a link to her video and someplace on her site is the book. I recamend the book first ( books always give more details ). I really hope you go and read this book and/or watch the movie.
I hope your day is peaceful-from the inside out

katherine. said...

still prayin'