Sunday, April 05, 2009

A Better Understanding

After two long weeks with me and hubby at odds with each other, we have come to a better understanding. With music being my longest and best friend throughout my life it comes as no surprise that it was a song that provided the breakthrough. (Of course the bean soup episode helped a little.)

I've kept pretty quiet about the details of what happened, but in order to explain the "understanding" part, I have to tell a little. Hubby is a quiet kind of guy. I've often thought and said that this compliments my more vocal and outgoing nature. A balance, if you will.

At times it's very frustrating though. He is also quiet about conversation with me. At being attentive. Sure I'm high maintenance. But I think every woman wants to know she is special. There are things a person can do, then there are actions and words.

A teacher once said something very profound to my oldest son. The teacher said, "You can tell me you can go outside and pick up a car. But unless I see you do it, I probably won't believe it." So even though a spouse can say they feel something, or actually do it, chances are the other spouse won't believe it. Or feel it. (Have I used italics enough already?)

I usually let this lack of communication build up until I can't stand it anymore. I'm a person and I need contact with other humans. I get a lot of interaction through blogging, but it's not the same as having someone face to face with me. It's probably why I talk the ear cashiers, apartment managers, etc. until they feel trapped and give me the "STFU and let me go" look.

So.. a couple weeks ago, after letting it build up inside me, we had an argument. A big one. It ended with me telling him to leave and him saying no, you leave. If I recall, there was a naughty word in front of what we said. I left. Not in anger because I waited until the next day. I was more flat line and accepting that this was how things were going to be.

Hubby was the person who, in the beginning of our relationship, told me and showed me I was worthy of being loved. I had come to feel that even though I was worthy, I wasn't worthy enough to have it shown to me. At least by him. We had been going through what I compare to battered wife syndrome. The husband batters, then apologizes and says it won't happen again and he'll try harder. Until the next time. I suppose this would also be true with the spouse of an alcoholic.

I went across the state and visited with my kids and grandkids. I had wanted to go there anyway because I wanted to try to see my oldest grandson that I hadn't seen in while. I would have left anyway, but this gave me a place to go. I didn't get over there and trash hubby or whine, complain and ask for sympathy. In fact, my kids didn't even know that was why I was there. (Until now.) Like I said, I was accepting and calm even.

I left on a Thursday and Saturday I asked him to drive over so we could talk. He came and soon after we hit the same wall we'd hit so many times before. We put the conversation on hold long enough to visit my oldest son and his wife. Sunday came and I knew I had no need to stay across the state any longer so I came home. Kind of.

He had to come back to go to work the next day, so I followed him in my car. The plan was I would get a motel room over here and he would come by every day after work so we could continue talking and trying to work things out. To see if our marriage could be saved. As we pulled into the motel parking lot, I knew it was the wrong way to go and with tears in my eyes I told him I wanted to come home.

It's been two weeks and things had still been stalled. I didn't want to give up on myself and my basic needs. I didn't want to fall back into that cycle I mentioned earlier. We didn't argue anymore.. we just kept our distance while still being polite. We watched TV together at times, watched a few rented movies.

This is how things have been until American Idol aired last week. Former winner David Cook came on and sang his new song "Come Back To Me." Once again, a song became an important vessel for me to put into words what I'm often not able to do myself.

I went to YouTube, found the song, and played it more than a few times over the next days. I felt what Cook was expressing in the song's words. I even imagined that if hubby were more of a romantic or more expressive, it would be something he might say to me after I'd left.

Yesterday I asked hubby to come listen to it with me. I told him what I just said.. that it might be something he would say to me IF. Funny thing happened though as we were listening to it together. I saw that there was no IF to it. It was exactly what he'd already been doing, even though it was an argument that caused me to leave..

And that brought about a better understanding. Sure these differing points of view may happen again. But for now, the impasse has ended.

I just hope I haven't given up on myself. After all, it's me who has changed my outlook and become accepting once more. He has promised nothing.

"You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you
You say you're leavin
As you look away
I know theres really nothin left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can't fix you
i can't save you
Its something you'll have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see
what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me"

Of course there's more to the story than what I've written here. More areas of disagreement. I only wrote about one of them. I hesitated to post this at all. I did so for a few reasons.

First - I wanted to post the David Cook video.

Second - I needed to do the link you can see below.

Third - I've been very mysterious about what went on. I know some of ya'll have been very concerned and may want to know there's been resolution of sorts.

I hesitated because I know some will roll their eyes and think it's always my fault because I have "problems and issues." I do claim what part is mine. I always do. The thing is, I usually try to portray hubby here in the best light and focus on my own shortcomings instead.

This post has nothing whatsoever to do with compact flash.


Misty DawnS said...

I freaking LOVE LOVE LOVE this song.

And, I'm so happy to hear it 'helped'. I do NOT think "You are giving up on you" again... as we've said to each other these past few weeks, both people have to work at it and give and take. You are doing your part... he is doing his part... this makes me VERY happy :-D

Oh... this give and take thing works with pretty much everyone... 'cept Gina - she's more of a 'taker' than a giver... but hey, that's why we love her after all - keeps life VERY interesting ;-P

Tricia said...

Barb, glad to hear you and hubby are reaching a happier place at the moment. Yeah, David Cook, I'm a huge fan and think it's just fabulous that his music has helped you through this moment. Oh, and find me a person with no "problems or issues" of any kind and I'll find you a person who is lying.

Our girl rode over 2 1/2 miles today up and down a local trail. At first some of the adults were annoyed but after a short while they were all smiling at her and cheering her on. She fell twice but since she has new knee and elbow pads we saved the clothes this time.

Tabbikat's Thoughts

Grace said...

Barb... I came here today to tell you that I gave you a bloggy award... and now... after reading your wonderful words and hearing the song... my award seems a bit out of place. BUT.. .it's not... because... while I can only imagine (yep, the title of another song...) what you are dealing with... the little bit I've come to know you via your blog I can say with a 100% heart that you are a terrific lady and you deserve the best. Our men have issues, oh boy do they... lol... I pray that things will work out as you hope.

Now... come see your award... deal?

Berni said...

Wonderful words to that song. I think you were right to stand up for your basic needs. Hubby and I had a major fight while in Mexico (our first) about something that really bothered me and he continued doing thinking it was fun. It took some well placed swear words to make him finally realize how angry I was as my "please don't do that" had not worked in ten years. We didn't talk for about two days but he finally realized he was overstepping some boundaries and hopefully he won't forget and start it up again. I hate to fight and usually avoid it all costs.

Lucy said...

oh Barb.. You really moved me..
Music is SO much a part of my life too and I was so moved that this poignant beautiful song helped you both realize your love.
I LOVE that song and have heard it on his cd which I got when it first came out, BUT I really didn't HEAR HEAR that song till he sang it on idol. My hub. and I had chills and replayed it (dvr box.)
I DON'T think , just because I know you have "issues' that that means it is always YOU who would be at fault.. I hear about A LOT of unhappy marriages in my job and 9 times out of 10 the problem lies with men who are uncommunicative and distant. the women who are full of passion and desire just want a more fulfilling connection.
so it's NEVER the women to me.. It's always The man! haha

Forgetfulone said...

My husband is pretty much incommunicative, too. I hope you got to him. And I hope you'll get everything worked out. We have had lots of conflict here, too, so I can relate.

Erika Jean said...

never heard this song b4, thanks for sharing. sorry things are rough lately. you will pull through you are such a strong woman!