Going Up

I knew the result from some recent blood work was going to be bad news. Because of my pneumonia though my doctor didn't focus on it too much yesterday.

I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2000. I was so scared when a nurse called to tell me that I was afraid to eat anything until my next appointment three days away. I Googled and WebMD'd.

My doctor (at the time) sent me to diabetes classes. My daughter went with me to the three class series because that was back when I was practically housebound with panic attacks and stuff. I learned about good carbs versus bad carbs. I learned about portion size and reading labels on products.

What I learned I haven't forgotten. I just haven't been practicing what I was taught.

I go through down times where I'm backsliding so much I almost expect to hear that beeping sound trucks make when backing up. I go through better times but those don't last nearly as long. The better times usually happen very closely to a big scare. Like I just got.

When I get a big scare I go back to what I know I'm supposed to do. Then hubby starts bringing home chips, donuts, yummy stuff. I try to resist for a little while then my willpower breaks and breaks big time. Once my willpower breaks everything goes to Hell. I not only become weak I become complacent. I stop caring.

And then there's the convoluted thinking.. I won't eat an apple because the carbs from sugar are too high. Yet I'll eat a whole bag of chips without even realizing it until the bag is empty. I'll eat two burgers and large fries. I worry about eating salads because of all the fat in salad dressings, but I'll eat bacon with reckless abandon. Using low fat or no fat is out of the question. It tastes weird.

I don't even check my sugar with my monitor. I know it's going to be sky high but if I don't know HOW high I really don't have to worry. I can fool myself. I've been in this mindset for too long lately. Even way after the signs I know by heart that come with high sugar levels are under full swing.

Soo.. a couple days ago I got curious enough to dust off my monitor and see. I about fainted. When I was diagnosed with diabetes my sugar level was 300. When I checked it recently it was 301!

75 to 126 is safe. Anything higher and my body parts start deteriorating. My risk for stroke and heart failure increase dramatically. I went to my fridge and checked the expiration date on my insulin. It was still good so I gave myself a shot. Then I mentally reviewed my recent eating.

The night before I had two slices of a pumpkin pie hubby had brought home. With Cool Whip. Then before bed I had a sandwich. This is not an uncommon thing for me to do. Most of the time I've been sick I hadn't had much of an appetite so I thought it might be okay. To stuff my face. When I have diabetes.

I started checking my levels three times a day. I gave myself my shots. I found some resolve to get back on track. I was anxious to have my doctor help me. Again. He will begin doing so at next week's appointment. That doesn't mean I have to wait until then to start cutting back and continue monitoring my progress. Keep up on the insulin. Be AWARE.

Hubby will go out today armed with a shopping list for salad items and fresh fruit. I will not drool over the last pieces of pumpkin pie. I will cut back on general portion size.

I've asked hubby for his help. The problem here is that he likes the chips and cookies and desserts more than me. I tell him I WILL eat those things if they are in the house. I explain my weaknesses with foods like that. His attempt to not bring home things like that is shorter than my decision to avoid them. I know in my heart that he isn't trying to sabotage me. He just loses focus too.

I asked him the other day what would he do if I had a gun to my head and said I was going to kill myself? He said he would stop me in any way he could. I then explained that by having those foods in the house and me eating them was almost the same thing. But in slower motion. I am killing myself with each bad choice, with each mouthful.

Instead of committing slow motion suicide I think I'm going to work harder on slow motion living.