Thursday, May 14, 2009

Just Peachy

After emailing back and forth today with someone who cares I found out that even though I had locked the doors to my blog people with Google Reader could still see my last post. So much for that.

So how am I? Just peachy. She says with sarcasm and emotional pain. Once again I've found out that I would rather be alone than to live with someone who makes me feel lonely. This time though instead of yelling and throwing things, cuz I didn't have the energy, I resorted to an old habit of mine. I cut my arm.

There are many, many people who do this much worse than I did. Shit, I've done it worse than this, but it been a very long time.

So why am I posting the picture? Certainly not for pity or attention. I do it for others. For those of you who may do the same thing, or know someone who does. To know you're not alone. I have deleted the picture.

My husband once told me my job description was to cook and fuck. I admit I've failed in one of those departments. How can I feel intimate with someone who ignores me? I can't of course. Sometimes it's hard to even share a bed with him.

This isn't a normal lover's spat. It has been going on for at three years, which is how long we've been married. It was going on during the five years off and on too while we dated. But don't we always tend to overlook things like that during the dating process?

It has come to this. I need to go. I need to get out. Maybe just for a trial separation. Maybe for longer. I know no clue what I can do to support myself as I have no, zip, zero, marketable skills. Especially how the job market is right now. Before I got married I was on SSI disability because I couldn't leave my house due to agoraphobia and panic disorder. (Yes, that is truly considered a disability. Did you know that?

I have no real inclination to harm myself again in the near future. I have NO inclination to take my life. (Or his.. just wanted to clear that up.) Cutting is not a suicide attempt at all in fact. It's a way to let out pain.

So.. for those of you who emailed me, or just wondered what had happened, now you know. Just peachy.

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