Just yesterday I posted about my progress down the path to becoming a nonsmoker. Later yesterday I went back to smoking with reckless abandon. I found out that my resolve breaks and I run back to the "comfort" of smoking when under duress.
We've lived in our apartment three years. We never cause trouble, we don't even complain when the rent goes up every year. (What good would it do anyway?) We've managed to turn this apartment into our home by doing some little touches here and there.
One of the things we've done is to dress up the patio with plants and flowers. We have lawn chairs & a fold up table for when the weather is nice. We can let the dog out on a lead rope and play toss with her.. although she doesn't give things back. In other words, we don't hide in our apartment like so many apartment dwellers do.
If I had a PS3 I might be tempted to stay inside even more than I do now. Even though I can go on the patio a lot of times, there are still times when the agoraphobia keeps me in. That's for maybe another post.
Sooo.. yesterday I find a note on the door from the apartment management saying we are in violation of our lease. We have a small fence around the tomato plant and the plant is off the corner of the patio. We have a tie out for the dog hooked to a pole & it can only be tied there when we are outside with her. We have the dog's water bowl on the patio. GASP! No, not THAT! There are a few more things we might get warned about (plants really off the patio), but we only fixed the ones mentioned in the note.
But still. The note and the changes I had to make made me not a happy camper. It was like they took away our "home" and turned it back into just a place with four walls and a roof. Overreacting? Probably. But that's how it felt to me.
I ran for the few cigarettes I still had here & called Mr. Skittles and asked him to get me some more on his way home. He did. And I smoked them almost nonstop until bedtime. At some point I realized how stupid it was and went back to the lozenges.
I need to not do that somehow. Not just go along good when things are going well. I need to be able to stay away from smoking during stressful times, too. Sink or swim. Try harder. Don't give up. Don't give in.