Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sink Or Swim

Just yesterday I posted about my progress down the path to becoming a nonsmoker. Later yesterday I went back to smoking with reckless abandon. I found out that my resolve breaks and I run back to the "comfort" of smoking when under duress.

We've lived in our apartment three years. We never cause trouble, we don't even complain when the rent goes up every year. (What good would it do anyway?) We've managed to turn this apartment into our home by doing some little touches here and there.

One of the things we've done is to dress up the patio with plants and flowers. We have lawn chairs & a fold up table for when the weather is nice. We can let the dog out on a lead rope and play toss with her.. although she doesn't give things back. In other words, we don't hide in our apartment like so many apartment dwellers do.

If I had a PS3 I might be tempted to stay inside even more than I do now. Even though I can go on the patio a lot of times, there are still times when the agoraphobia keeps me in. That's for maybe another post.

Sooo.. yesterday I find a note on the door from the apartment management saying we are in violation of our lease. We have a small fence around the tomato plant and the plant is off the corner of the patio. We have a tie out for the dog hooked to a pole & it can only be tied there when we are outside with her. We have the dog's water bowl on the patio. GASP! No, not THAT! There are a few more things we might get warned about (plants really off the patio), but we only fixed the ones mentioned in the note.

But still. The note and the changes I had to make made me not a happy camper. It was like they took away our "home" and turned it back into just a place with four walls and a roof. Overreacting? Probably. But that's how it felt to me.

I ran for the few cigarettes I still had here & called Mr. Skittles and asked him to get me some more on his way home. He did. And I smoked them almost nonstop until bedtime. At some point I realized how stupid it was and went back to the lozenges.

I need to not do that somehow. Not just go along good when things are going well. I need to be able to stay away from smoking during stressful times, too. Sink or swim. Try harder. Don't give up. Don't give in.


ShannonW said...

Personally I would have overreacted to that note also. How picky!

Autumn said...

We were so scared of our apartment management our whole apartment was pretty much bare (inside & out) the entire time we were there. I'm sorry they made you feel unwelcome in your own home. ((hugs))
It was just a bit of a slip. Don't beat yourself up, it's gonna happen now & then. I know you're strong enough to keep it goin'!

Berni said...

That is picky. But as far as the smoking every day is a new day don't get down on yourself.

Sara said...

Be careful not to turn to food, like so many non-smokers do during stressful times.
Hmm...there must be something else. Maybe breathing exercises?


The worst year and a half of my life was when I lived in a condo. So glad I moved out of there into my own home. I had to deal with things like my grill was 8 inches off the patio instead of the allowed 2. Yes inches. I got a fine for throwing away a mattress. LOL. I did not throw it away. I fought that one in condo court. I was not going to take the blame for someone else. I said come look at my mattresses you can see I haven't gotten a new one except for mine and the old one is in the basement. They said my son told someone who told someone that it was mine. Bull ! It was a nightmare. Total nightmare. My son use to park his bike neatly in front of my car in the car port nightly. No one could see it and yet I rec'd a fine for that.

Misty DawnS said...

I don't think you were overreacting at all... I would have been really upset. And, I don't blame you at all for the smoking thing - there will be slips... there's no doubt about that. (((HUGS)))

Lucy said...

I would have been stressed too !
When mr petals is tempted to run for the ciggs he pops a tranq. Instead (or irons)
I worry he is swapping one habit for another but this is what worked years Ago when he quit for six yrs
One day at a time keep on trying!

Computer Repair To You said...

That's just ridiculous. You pay rent on the patio space to make it your own.