Sunday, September 27, 2009

As I Still Do

As far back as I can remember I've felt different from other people. I'm fairly certain it was because of the prolonged sexual abuse I had forced upon me by my (evil) stepdad. From the early age of 7. *Sigh* Maybe other victims of childhood sexual abuse don't feel as self-conscious and different as I did. As I still do.

It wasn't just my (evil) stepdad destroying my self image.. it was my older brother, too. We'd pass a weight limit sign for a bridge and he'd tell me I needed to get out of the car. The no pets allowed signs on doors? He'd say I couldn't go in. If I was practicing my piano lessons, he'd come by and try to close the lid on my hands while saying something like shut up, pig. And on and on.

My mom was no help with my (evil) stepdad. She had enough trouble dealing with him as her (evil) husband. I don't blame her for what she did to survive even if it included not protecting me. She was no help with my older brother. I do harbor a little resentment there. He could do no wrong in her eyes and he got away with a lot.

I got pregnant and married at the age of 17. I won't go into a lot of details here out of respect for my kids who read my blog. There was some physical abuse early on and there was mental abuse here and there for the 25 years the marriage lasted. Encouragement was rare and in fact there were times I think he wanted me to be stuck at home. I could listed two strong examples right now to support that without even thinking.. but I won't write them. I fell for it hook, line and sinker though because I didn't know anything was supposed to be better or different.

I stayed anxious. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of feeling. Soon panic attacks started and from there the agoraphobia. (I have links to my other blogs on my sidebar.) That's where I wanted to go with this post darn it! I'm sure I didn't want to write about instantly compare term life insurance quotes. I wanted to write about how I think I've always had a touch of agoraphobia and/or social anxiety. I can see I started by looking back at the first paragraph.

I can't blame how I act/feel now on what happened to me soooo many years ago. And for soooo many years of my life. Figure from the age of 7 until I was mid 40s. That's a lot of crap to erase. A lot of negativity. A lot of damage done to my self confidence, self image.

I still feel different. Sometimes I still feel dirty like I did as a child even though I've had extensive counseling. That's why I don't like being seen.. being in public. I feel like people are judging me. I know I'm very overweight and that doesn't help. When I'm online I do retain a degree of anonymity. And control. Let's not forget the sense of control thing that all survivors of childhood abuse need to have.

Maybe I can explain it this way. I have a friend blogger that I've known since around August 2006. We email. We talk on the phone. We've laughed together, cried together and shared more than a few secrets with each other. I still get antsy with talking on the phone most days, but I still manage to call her from time to time. Just to be clear about that. Anyway.. She wanted to come here over the long Labor Day weekend to give us a hand moving boxes and such. I wanted to meet her and was gung-ho about the idea at first. As the time got closer and closer though I started having a hard time visualizing it in any other way than with my ending up being a mess. We have postponed the meeting until sometime in the future.

I see right there that someone is going to be thinking if only I could visualize things ending up better then maybe... Not as easy as it sounds when I've spent such a large part of my life holding my breath and bracing for the worst to happen.

I do push myself by the way. I was afraid to write a blog post tonight and had a false start earlier when I couldn't even bring up blogger. I made myself do it... and I made myself try to explain what it's like for me or rather maybe why things are like they are with me. I know some people have expressed confusion. That last sentence was confusing. Geez.

I don't have a good clever end to this post, but I need to log off cuz I feel my nerves coming undone. Till next time.


Carolina said...

I don't know what to say really. I'm so so sorry that the bad start to your life still has such an impact on you. But I do understand.
Until I left home when I was 20 I've always been told I was fat (I wasn't), ugly, stupid, etc. I know why my mother and my sister told me that. If you put someone else down, it makes you a better person(if only). Anyway, I do understand why you feel like this. I have the same 'symptoms', but yours are far worse.
Still, nobody can really understand how someone else feels. I don't make sense, but I hope you know what I mean ;-) By the way, you are a terrific writer with a great sense of humor and I'm sure you would be such fun to hang around with.

Grace said...

Hard foundation of your life you have had my friend. You are doing great in my eyes. I can imagine once visits get closer that you may experience the anxiety you had and need to change the meeting. You have overcome so much, I'm sure this will be another hurdle that you will overcome some day. Have the best day!

Technodoll said...

It takes tremendous courage to publicly admit things like that, and even more to have gotten away from it all and to work on conquering those demons.

I hope your (evil)SD rots in hell from ass cancer, I really do.


Jenny L Thompson said...

You truly are an inspiration to other survivors like myself. I have just started a blog too and hope that I can find healing and health. Wishing you nothing but the best. Hugs, Jenny