I've been thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Maybe even about weight loss products but maybe not. Mostly I've been trying to figure out why I'm having such a hard time lately. Maybe if I can figure out then maybe I can fix it somehow.
Ya know I really expected to fall apart during the packing and moving process. I was very surprised that I didn't. All the disorganization should have done me in. All the back and forth driving.. ferrying things over before the big move day. The move day itself. It all wasn't easy on me but I held it together somehow.
I've realized it isn't the house itself that's at the root of the trouble. That's a relief to know. Some aspects like people seeing me now DO come into play. The computer issue does big time, too. (I had to reboot three times just to get this far along in this post. Sheesh.) I think if I could make myself get reconnected with the computer then my desk chair would regain some of its safe feeling. A computer that isn't ready to die would help me with this.
I'm without the computer since the move. I don't want to be in front of it all day anymore. That's why I'm lost and struggling every day. Can you picture yourself in your home just walking around with nothing at all to do??? No cleaning or housework even. I'm not a tv person so that holds no interest. At least I won't find myself getting hooked on soaps. OK.. maybe you could find something to do but I can't.
And that leads me to another train of thought. Is my life so shallow? That all I used to fill it with was computer things? Apparently so. That's a bit depressing, huh? Just for shits and giggles I logged onto World Of Warcraft today. Maybe I could get back into that. Nope. There was no pull to play it and I logged off.
Sooooo I feel sorry for myself a lot. More than a couple times a day I just put my head in my hands and start crying. I cry it out, blow my nose and take a Xanax. Start pacing again. I'm so happy when 5pm approaches because I can start fixing dinner for when Mr. Skittles gets home.
I need to find a way to get past this. I do not like feeling this way.. being this way.
"Is my life so shallow? That all I used to fill it with was computer things?" uh o... all us bloggers are in trouble then ;-)
I am on the compute allllll day, and when I'm not, I'm THINKING about being on it.
I know you are having a rough time, but i think you are still settling in. Give it time. Wern't you knitting at one point? how about something like that.
I think the fact that you were expecting to fall apart when moving - and didn't is awesome! Just focus on the positive ;-)
I haven't visited in awhile....I am glad the move went well....I love the photos or your new place...wow you must feel like you have so much space now....
Skittles.....pardon my ignorance on Agoraphobia....but can you explain something to me....and please know I am not being judgemental...this is pruely me just trying to understand your phobia.....
How is it that you can be on the computer as much as you are...share photos of you, your home, your family...so we see you...and yet you fear when people wave at you....children ride by and smile? Is it that the computer you don't know that people are looking in at you? Is it a proximity issue?....again I am not trying to be argumentative or judgemental....I just want to understand more about your fears...
You are very honest with how you are feeling and I think many readers benefit from your honesty...but at the same time it can be confusing for others....
I wish you good health as always...I know I could suggest things to occupy your time...but it's you who needs to find that something to fill the void in order for you to work through this. Stay well my friend....big hugs being sent your way.....
I hope you find something, anything that will give you a sense of fulfillment and security. It would be fun if it was blogging because we would hear more from you; but if it's not that's okay.
My suggestion would be to try one thing each day that is something you have done before and found comfort in, even if at first you don't feel an immediate pull. Every time you feel yourself wandering go and make an attempt at the day's activity. I did this for a month with house cleaning, it was the cleanest my house ever got.
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