Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Tigers

Susan Boyle was on Dancing With the Stars tonight and sang a song called "I Dreamed A Dream." It was a song she had sung before on tv's Britain's Got Talent. Part of the words spoke to me and to a memory that has been running through my head.

It's something I've gone back and forth deciding whether or not to blog about it. I've decided I will. First I'll take a deep breath because it's going to be hard to put down in words. Harder still to put it out in public.

It goes back to my childhood abuse and my (evil) stepfather. I've said before that he started molesting me when I was seven years old. What I have never said to any other living sole except Mr. Skittles is that a few years later he gave me my first orgasm. Not that I wanted it to happen. That's what I'm afraid people will think. My body just.. reacted. How can I live with the shame of this memory?

That's as much as I can run with this tonight.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame


Grace said...

Saw you at my blog. I'm sorry, I just haven't been 'feeling it' lately. I was about to turn in, as tmo is a work day... and saw you post. I had to come to say, well.. something.

I'm sad that you had such a horrible experience with the evil stepfather. No one should have to endure such a thing... and to have what could be a glorious first moment... stolen from you by him... makes my heart hurt for you more. Nothing to have shame over... our bodies react sometimes. I pray that putting this out here will help with the healing. I also pray that you only feel warmth and comfort by your blogging community...

And yes, I know you will always wonder what people will think... whether this situation or not... but my dear friend... I just have one more thing to say about that... Who the Heck Cares what others think?


Jeni said...

I don't think, I KNOW, the lady doth worry too much -about what others think!!!
You know, it is not unusual for a woman being raped to have an orgasm. It isn't strictly a function that has to do with love, affection, fore-play that is wanted, anticipated and the like. So I guess you could then term is a normal, human reaction, couldn't you?
It is something when you learn about this phenomenon later in live that would tend to give you a case of the guilts, considering how it first happened to you, but it is/was something totally beyond your control.
Peace, my friend! You've still come a hell of a long way though, haven't you, since first we met?

Misty DawnS said...

You have NOTHING to be ashamed about... YOU didn't cause anything to happen. As the others have said, and as you said, your body just reacted. It is not a result of anything you did and not something that you could possibly prevent. Therefore, there is no blame and should be no shame, but I understand how regardless of what you know in your head you still have feelings as a result of the terrible occurances. That's another unfortunate unpreventable result.
(((HUGS)))... from one of your friends who thinks you are a fantastic person!

Positive Pieces Prevail said...

You know I am not a person of many words...but you know how I feel


ShannonW said...

I agree with the others Barb. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He was a bad person NOT YOU!

Berni said...

You have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened was a biological thing that you had no control over. The only shame in that situation should be his.

Lucy said...

How Brave are you to put this out there and most likely let someone who's experienced the same, not feel alone or shameful. I hope now that you've read all the support from your friends and have had the time to ponder this more.. your 'shame' has vanished.
I am so inspired by your honesty skitts.
I think honesty is a key to healing.
btw.. the utube made me cry.
but you make my heart happy. xoxo