Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I Don't Have The Answers

I had my psyche med review last Saturday and something he said to me has been rattling around in my head. He said I'm too dependent on Mr. Skittles. Alright.. I can see all you people nodding your heads in agreement. Truth be told I even agree somewhat. The brain rattling part is how much I depend and when is it ok and when is it too much.

I've talked about this with a friend of mine and a family member and even with Mr. Skittles himself.. yet I'm finding it hard to put into words here. Geez. Sometimes I wonder why I even open up so much of myself to you three readers of this blog. Why can't I just post recipes and such. But nooo.. I'm not like that. I can't pretend I am. So here goes nothing...

I know there are some areas I could try harder in. Dishes, even the dreaded cookie sheets.. cooking instead of copping out a couple times a week and asking for take-out food. So basically kitchen things. Hmm.. I hadn't seen that before.

I could try harder to get dressed every day instead of taking the easy way out and stay in my nightgown. Yep. I do that. A couple days in a row even. Shower, shave, make myself be presentable. If anyone remembers a post a did about putting my shoes on every day..? Well that went right out the window before even a week was up. I need to get back to doing that. How does this relate to being too dependent? Cuz I know Mr. Skittles won't say anything to me if I don't.

I just realized something. Maybe I shouldn't say it just now.. but it IS something good to think on. I might tell ya'll in another post later.

There are some things I will continue needing help with. Shopping, driving.. most things OUTSIDE. I suspect there will continue to be things inside as well. I can look back and see, almost as if my life were a movie, and notice how my mental health has deteriorated over the years. Maybe it will continue to do so. I don't know. I don't have the answers.

One thing I think some people forget is that the brain is part of the body just as much as any other part. People can get leukemia that progresses. Diabetes progresses if not properly managed. My social anxiety and agoraphobia are legitimate disabilities. I was on government assistance for them when I met Mr. Skittles.

Maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I fall back on my issues as a crutch at times. But some of it is real. And I will continue needing to be dependent on Mr. Skittles to some degree. I will try to work harder on the things I have more control over though.

10 comments:

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I don't know, I don't have anybody to depend on and I don't get dressed for days, dishes will stack up and the dogs won't learn to vacuum.

Grace said...

Hmmm... I wouldn't say excuses. I think that you are spot on with that mental illness is just like any other... we have the chance of 'remission' or being cured or things being like a roller coaster where it can be up/down or progresses. I think there are way to many people that don't see it this way. No.. something that has to be managed... and even if managed there are times that it can progress.

You have a wonderful Mr. Skittles. He would do anything for you. Perhaps if you feel the need... some mildly 'tough love' could be the ticket? Or not...

It is baby steps... like with anything in life.

magill50 said...

you touched on one critical thing in the second to last paragraph....the brain is a part of the body...but I pray that your brain, wild and crazy and creative, does not deteriorate...I like it the way that it is,,,

Patti said...

I don't have any answers, not that you require me to do so, but I sure think that you could write a book. I mean, you kind of are. You are so creative and funny with not so funny things. I see a future there!

SilverNeurotic said...

The problem with dependency is that it's just so easy to fall back into it. It doesn't matter if it's a dependency to a drug, food or a person...you know it's there and you know it'll catch you when you fall.

Jan said...

I can so relate to what you say. We all have things about us we need to change. Reading your blog points out things in my own life. I should be more independent too. You can do it! I know you can!

JudyJ said...

Indeed, the brain is a complex organ and controls so much. I have learned a lot from my own husban's brain injury and am continually learning about the brain and how it affects every aspect of our life. Hang in there.

Forgetfulone said...

Yes, the brain is part of the body. Illnesses caused by brain imbalances are real illnesses! I don't think you use them as a crutch. They are legitimate reasons (not excuses) that explain you. I think about you often and pray for you.

Misty Dawn said...

You already know what my immediate response is and how I feel.

Terri said...

Mr. Skittles is a very sweet man... much like my Squidley. Squidley will put up with anything to keep me happy and will do anything to make me happy. Maybe it's not so much you depend on him as he just does things.. I think the right term is "enabler" They love us so much they want us to be happy so they do anything even if we should be doing it. Please don't take that the wrong way, but if they just do things for us and yes.. I have issues as well with somethings... if they do them we don't have to face them thus leaving us not getting better in some areas. I have problems in big super Wal-Marts and I have to force myself to go to them. I take a few Xanax before I go and make sure they have kicked in, but at least I get there. I REALLY have trouble going to them with my sister who is totally clueless about my panic attacks and gets all pi$$y with me. I think if you find things you're comfortable with and SLOWLY work into the other things that they will eventually get a little easier. If XYZ grocery store bothers you then go to ABC grocery store that might not bother you as much. Go along for the ride and sit in the car while Mr Skittles shops. Little steps lead to big steps. Even go for the ride to the gas station.... Car parts stores are fun. I find all kinds of cool wires and stuff I could use in crafting. They are small stores usually and have great air freshener assortments! :)