Making Peace

There have been a lot of things I need to make peace with. My past is still one of them. Basically I guess I'm ok with it now, but doesn't one's life make them who they are today? Certainly there are things or events still that remind me of it. My past. The bad AND the good. Unfortunately the bad seems to carry more weight at times.

Speaking of weight. My weight is a big issue. No pun intended. (Well maybe a little pun intended.) If you've followed my blog you know the times I've tried different things like diets, diet aids (alli and Sensa), checked up on the newest things at places like Lipofuze.

The most recent thing I've tried is my exercise bike. I was all gung-ho with it at first. But to be honest with everyone, most of all myself, I haven't been on it for more than a few minutes in the last week or so. Ask me why. I dare you.

I had a panic attack over it. Not ON it. Over having bought it. You see, the thing with agoraphobics like myself is that once they have a panic attack somewhere or over some THING, we avoid it so as not to have another panic attack.

It sunk in how much the bike had cost and how the money really could have gone to better use. The bike became a constant reminder. A negative thing. And yes, that gave me a panic attack. I became afraid to get back on the bike to avoid having another panic attack.

I confessed all this to a friend on the phone this morning. Mind you, even Mr. Skittles doesn't know (yet) that I haven't been on the bike.. so me opening up about this wasn't the easiest thing to do. She was very understanding and sympathetic to my problem. Then she said I needed to make peace with the bike.

I felt the panic building as tears starting streaming down my face. I knew she was right though. I have to go make peace with my bike. Then I need to get back on it and ride. Even if it's just for one mile. After all... it's just a bike.