Monday, September 21, 2015

Identity Crisis

I know now my attachment to my children wasn't normal. Why I was so desperately needing their feedback on which to base.. my identity. I didn't have to look very far to find that not so mysterious reason. My childhood.

My abusive childhood stripped my identity from me.  I didn't learn who I was or how I fit into this big world. When I had my first child at 17 and quickly got married I fumbled around, mostly acting like I thought I knew the correct way to be a wife and mother. I needed to feel loved and wanted by my husband.. something I hadn't felt up to that point. I didn't get it.

He was an alcoholic and could get mean when he drank. I didn't like when he would hit me, but I was used to that. After all, my stepfather had been the same way. (The only difference was my stepfather was also a pedophile and sexually abused my sister and I.) I accepted my husband's behavior as *normal*. It was literally pounded into me this was all I was worthy of. The emotional neglect reinforced it.

Fast forward to the time when there were three children. I finally had someone to love who loved me back. I put everything I had into giving them a better childhood than I'd had. My husband had taken on the role as a non-participant in their lives so I did double duty.

I saw a different and better childhood through what they did and accomplished. I was living vicariously through them. It was at this point when my identity became abnormal. I still hadn't learned who I was as a viable, lovable adult so I was now attaching my identity to them. Since I didn't have anything else, they became my whole world. But children grow up and move away.

I can't go on right now. Writing this is like therapy for me and I know I need a break to let these new truths sink in. They are painful. And long overdue.

3 comments:

Shannon W. said...

After your break...however long it may be, come back and write more! :)

Barb said...

Thanks, Shannon! I will. =)

Devin Mundreon said...

Alright i'm so sorry about that... I feel really embarrassed. I have a lot to relate to when it comes to that poem you took the words right out of my mouth. Im extremely sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar child hood. I have no one right now I can relate to. i'm on the waiting list to see the proper Dr's but i'm so destroyed and drowning alone right now. would you mind some company? right now i have PTSD so bad that no ones ever helped me with and now my bodies in survival mode because I cant control this scream!!!! Its controlling me. Im sorry if this is asking for a lot. I don't want to stress you out any more. I just thought that maybe we can help each other. You can help me learn what you have learned and ill teach you what I have learned. :) I am alone right now and by the sounds of what you have written you often feel extremely similar! Please don't let this stress you out. please have faith that my intentions are nothing but the best and trust me and give me a chance to explain your not alone either. ill be fine if this is too much for you. i'm strong brave determined and motivated. i've always had to be my own hero. i want to help but need help learning things i cant understand yet. Hope this doesn't hurt you in any way. not my intentions at all. i just really admire you for being so confident and bold when the rest of us couldn't be.

Thanks. i'm going to try my hardest to make as much of a difference in child abuse as i can. :) thats why im still here thats my purpose just need support getting there lol.

Thanks for your time!! Take care and enjoy every small and big moment.

Devin Mundreon