Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Song Remembers When

I'm not totally blind to what's been going on with me. I realize there's a very good chance I may be slipping back into depression. I resist that idea though because I have been proud of how well I've done since stopping all my psyche meds around the first of this year. But the mood swings and crying jags are becoming more frequent.

As I was tossing around the possibility of depression this morning I remembered a song. A song that reminds me of another time in my life when things weren't particularly good.

Although I don't remember the exact year, I suspect it was around the early 90's. There was a lot missing from my first marriage. (Out of respect for my children, I will keep the facts fuzzy.) I guess I was getting to the point at which I finally arrived many years later. I was realizing I deserved, yes deserved, to be loved and appreciated.

Music has been my best and most constant friend throughout my life. This time was no different. One day when my kids were at school I sat on the floor of my living room between the two stereo speakers and blasted this song over and over.. and cried and cried. I made up my mind that I was going to leave my husband and packed a few things, got in my car and drove to my friend's house.

I left the stereo playing. Repeating this song.

I spent the night at my friend's house then I went back home. Nobody knew I'd been gone. My daughter said a couple days later she thought I'd gone to work because she smelled my hairspray and perfume.. things I always used before going to my second shift job.

"In this whole world there's nobody as lonely as she. There's
nowhere to go and there's nowhere that she'd rather be.."

In 1999 I filed for divorce.


masgblog said...

Beautiful post, B.....

masgblog said...

ditto thinking about

ShannonW said...

I have been off my meds for awhile and I also want to resist the fact that I may need them again.

madamspud169 said...

If you've been this unhappy for more than a week then maybe you should try the medications again or a weaker type. There's no shame in having depression in fact no-one seems to be unhappy anymore everyone says it's depression so please think about trying them again even if it's only to help with the joys (hells) that comes with Christmas. We all need a bit of extra help at times.

I played the same song as you when I left my husband and filed for divorce. It took me a long time to feel like a worthwhile person again and to realise that it was the ruined hopes and dreams and loss of the old routines I was mourning rather than the cause of my pain (my ex). I got through it with the help of anti depressants and now I'm able to feel again, to feel happy and sad, content and irritated instead of the dead numbness I had felt. Whenever I feel numb again for more than a week or so I ask for help. Please do so as well

The song is Fly Away by John Denver.

Misty DawnS said...

I had a similar experience with Tim McGraw's song "One of These Days". The line "One of these days, I'm gonna love me." broke me down to the point of tears one time, and initiated a big change in my life.

(((HUGS))) Hang in there, my friend. I've always admired your strength. Even when you may feel weak, you are still so strong in my eyes.